The Invisible Scars
Birth Trauma & The Deep Wounds It Inflicts On A Mother's Soul
Finally, given birth…
A drop falls down in a pool of drug,
Like a pearl of water dripping silently on a shrub.
The drop then courses its way through a tube,
Finds its way further, down my vein that protrudes.
My heart beats faster, my womb clenches tighter,
I stifle a sob, 'cause the world feels oh-so darker.
I then find myself in a dream of midnight hues,
In a valley with somber faces, where I pause to muse:
'The burden is so heavy, it's hard to continue.'
I search around, in helpless hopes to find a gentle soul,
'This journey', they tell me, 'You have to tread alone.'
I drag my feet forward, with a bleak horizon in sight,
But the distance seems so long, I lament at my utter plight.
This pain that is crippling me, forces me for a sweet surrender,
But a tug and a shake, and I return from my tiring slumber.
With brightening lights, that darkness is gone,
There are people in sight, and they are planning headstrong.
Two gloved fingers inside me, and they claim their victory,
A gush of warm waters, and it feels intensely derogatory.
There is a fire of anger, that still burns in me to this day,
These incredulous methods, they neglected any of my say.
Self-proclaimed saviors, stripping me of my dignity,
Smiling and chatting away, so unaware of my ignominy.
In the midst of surging pains, I'm wheeled to another room,
Where women shouting and screaming, get punished, get delivered from their gloom.
I long to feel a patting hand, or a squeeze of my arm for comfort,
Despair instead greets me, I see her dance and strut.
The pinnacle of moments has now arrived,
A fear is settling in that I may not survive.
'Push, push, push', I find my soul under a rubble of commands,
Push I with all my might, complying dutifully to their demands.
A laborious work of flesh and sweat — bringing forth life to this earth,
A baby's cry confirms, that I have finally given birth.
“She was 23; naive, scared and clueless of what the future really held. Cradling this tiny, unseen life in her womb for the first time was a source of both joy and much more anxiety. There were so many horror stories that surrounded birth: of utter pain and agony that came with it and media generated images of wild and crazy women who made the whole process look like a death sentence.
Little did she know that her own experience of bringing forth a life would be no less of a trauma. They said that giving birth was a woman's greatest achievement, but she felt terribly betrayed, confused and full of hormone ridden emotions.”
Such was the birth of my first child which was artificially initiated, and further augmented (without any medical indication) with methods ranging from administering Prostaglandin suppository to injecting Syntocinon through IV line to Artificial Rupture Of Membranes (AROM), which finally led me to deliver my baby in a position none other than the obstetrical favorite: lithotomy. Add in several cervical exams, constant fetal monitoring, restricted movement and a treatment akin to barn cows, it was a perfect “Normal Vaginal Delivery”, a.k.a NVD, which is a ‘routine’ birth that countless women go through day in and day out and actually exclaim with relief that,
“At least, it wasn’t a C - section.”
The irony was compounded by the fact that despite having an OB/GYN mom, I was totally unaware that as a patient, I had the right to informed consent/refusal; a term and practice that is hardly ever offered and exercised in the medical world, as the pregnant and/or laboring mother is believed to have her reasoning and senses depart once this “sickness” afflicts her. The poem above is my recollection of those intense moments, that shine some light on a laboring woman’s lived experience of birth trauma and obstetric violence.
It was only after my second, unmedicated birth (I was honestly shocked to learn that something like birth could be natural too but when it did happen to me, felt so empowered and over the moon!) and subsequent training with AMANI Birth (the only childbirth education program that ties the entire journey from pregnancy, labor and birth with Islamic texts and offers accurate, evidence based information to women and their families), that I realized that although a healthy baby is top on everyone’s list, a healthy and sound mother; physically, emotionally and mentally, is as important too.
Therefore, some gems that I would like to share with you:
Contrary to popular conviction, our birthing experiences matter and affect us most profoundly. No matter what mode of delivery a woman goes through, if it happens on her terms where she actively makes an informed decision, the whole process becomes life changing for her.
Maternal choice in childbirth is a basic human right. If a routine based care conflicts with evidence and puts mother and baby more at risk, it can and should be contested. “Every laboring mother has to get an episiotomy” and “Once a C section, always a C section” are some prime examples.
In order to be able to make informed choices, education is key. A lot of mothers enter into their pregnancies and labors with little to no concrete knowledge about nutrition, their own physiology, exercises and lifestyle adjustments that promote optimal fetal position, labor stages, coping mechanisms, breastfeeding, and unfortunately, the list gets pretty extensive.
Maternal instincts are a God given gift and when combined with knowledge, can act as our North Star. Trusting and following one's own gut feelings requires practice; many times when a mother faces a challenging state of affairs in the form of various external pressures, her intuition, istikhara (prayer seeking Allah’s will) and thorough analysis of the situation at hand in the light of relevant information, can carry her through such tough times.
Mothers are truly wonderful and beautiful beings, and it's so crucial they realize that they don't have to abandon their dignity and respect in a care provider's office or in the L&D room.
Let us shun what stunts us and let us pick what ensures our growth.
So true..
Loved the article 👏
Even I was shocked at my first birth. At the blatant disregard for my wishes and consent. And nurses laughing at my demands.
Husbands often being totally ignorant of all things maternal helps little as they automatically side with the powers that be in the labor room